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9 Superheroes That Should Be Retired


Not every superhero that graces the pages of today’s comics can be as popular as characters like Batman, Superman, and Spider-Man. For all of the comic book mainstays we know and love, there are nearly twice as many obscure, useless, and all-around lame superheroes just begging for someone to pull the plug on them.

However, for whatever reason, some of them haven’t been buried just yet. In fact, some of the worst superheroes in Marvel and DC’s respective rosters have either made recent appearances or in some cases, are appearing regularly in an ongoing series.

Well, enough is enough! This isn’t a list of the worst superheroes of all time, or the most useless. This is a list of 9 superheroes that should be retired: 

  1. Dogwelder

    Some heroes’ names are pretty self-explanatory. For instance, Superman is a super-powered man, and The Flash moves like a flash of lightning. Then, of course, you have Dogwelder, who… welds dogs to people.

    That’s right – while some heroes use their superhuman abilities, or their intellect to fight crime, the most recent version of Dogwelder, who debuted in All Star Section Eight #1 in August 2015, uses welding equipment that belonged to the original Dogwelder (yes, there has been two of them) to weld dead canines to the bodies of evildoers. In fact, when the new Dogwelder was first possessed by the former’s welding equipment, he even welded his family dog to his children.

    Animal lover or not, you’d be hard-pressed to find many people that find the concept of Dogwelder appealing, so why not nip this character in the bud before PETA gets involved?

  2. Sixpack

    The next entry on this list is one who has regularly teamed up with the aforementioned Dogwelder (go figure). However, thankfully, Sixpack doesn’t spend his time welding peoples’ beloved furry friends to his enemies.

    First appearing in Hitman #9 in December 1996, Sixpack spends most of his time at Noonan’s bar, recounting a plethora of his heroic feats, which are nothing more than fabrications resulting from his near-constant inebriation. When push comes to shove, though, Sixpack is no stranger to violence, routinely beating his enemies with broken liquor bottles.

    Some may argue that a belligerent, grotesque drunk shouldn’t be a superhero, and quite frankly, those people are correct. For that reason, Sixpack has got to go.

  3. Starfox

    Starfox is a character who has a pretty decent amount of things going for him. He’s the son of two Eternals, the brother of Thanos – one of the most powerful characters in the Marvel Universe, and he’s even been a member of the Avengers. Still, despite all these things working in his favor, Starfox is actually pretty useless.

    First appearing in Iron Man #55 in February 1973, Starfox has several of your run-of-the-mill superpowers, including super-strength, flight, and a healing factor. However, the power Starfox is most known for is his ability to control the emotions of others – a power he routinely uses to seduce members of the opposite sex across the galaxy.

    Let’s be honest: does the Marvel Universe really need an interstellar womanizer serving as one of their heroes? Maybe he should just retire, now, before someone reports him to Human Resources.

  4. Wild Dog

    What could be worse than a knockoff of The Punisher? How about one that dons a hockey mask and his former college jersey to fight crime?

    Debuting in Wild Dog #1 in September 1987, former star athlete and Marine Jack Wheeler was an auto mechanic and student engaged to be married to his girlfriend, Claire. However, he soon turned to vigilantism when she was murdered because of her secret mob ties. Wearing the laughing red dog of his college team on his chest, he took the name Wild Dog and promptly began filling villains with as many bullet holes as humanly possible.

    The problem with Wild Dog isn’t that he’s an inherently bad superhero. He’s just not a very good, or even remotely interesting one. His character works as an incredibly basic street-level vigilante, but in the greater DC Universe, it’s hard to picture him ever evolving beyond that.

  5. New 52 Lobo

    Currently, the Lobo we all know and love is gracing the pages of Justice League of America alongside Batman, Black Canary, Killer Frost, The Ray, and The Atom. However, in a recent issue of Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps, it was shown that the version of Lobo from the New 52 was still alive, being held captive inside one of Brainiac 2.0's bottles.

    What’s the difference, you ask? Well, while the true Lobo is an intergalactic biker/bounty hunter and all-around badass, the New 52 Lobo, who was later revealed to be an imposter, was reimagined as a Czarnian slaver who killed the rest of his race, except for his beloved Princess Sheba. He was a shell of his former self, and became the embodiment of what many readers hated about the New 52.

    It’s great to see that since Rebirth, DC isn’t completely abandoning their past, and acknowledging the New 52 Lobo’s existence is a perfect example of this. However, perhaps it’d be best to keep him in his glass bottle indefinitely.

  6. Dazzler

    What inspires superheroes to fight crime? Did they witness their parents being gunned down by a criminal? Did they realize that with great power comes great responsibility? Well, in the case of Alison Blaire, AKA Dazzler, her inspiration for donning a costume was that she wanted to be a disco diva.

    First appearing in Uncanny X-Men #130 in February 1980, Dazzler made her comic book debut right as the disco age was coming to an end. Sure, her character has been slightly revamped since then, but it’s often done to simply coincide with whichever musical genre is popular at the time since the character’s primary ability is converting sound into light beams of various forms and intensity.

    Dazzler was a fun character while she lasted. However, at this point, much like disco, it’s time to close the book on Alison Blaire.

  7. Demolition Man

    Another character whose resume includes a brief stint with the Avengers is Dennis Dunphy, AKA Demolition Man, or simply D-Man.

    Debuting in The Thing #28 in October 1985, D-Man looks like a cross between Wolverine and the original yellow Daredevil. Unfortunately, he possesses the skills and abilities of neither. After making a deal with the Power Broker in order to enhance his strength, D-Man found himself joining the superhuman wrestling promotion Unlimited Class Wrestling Federation, and eventually ended up suffering from mental illness and living among the homeless.

    For reasons beyond comprehension, D-Man has recently reappeared as a supporting character in the ongoing Captain America: Sam Wilson series. However, few would likely be disappointed if Dennis Dunphy were given the old pink slip and sent packing.

  8. Jubilee

    This entry might be a bit controversial if you’re an X-Men purist. However, few can argue that Jubilee is truthfully one of the more useless mutants in the Marvel Universe.

    Since her debut in Uncanny X-Men #244 in May 1989, Jubilee has gone from being a mutant with lame fireworks powers to a depowered, technology-based hero, and at one point, she even became a vampire. Additionally, her superhero career has consisted of more costume and codename changes than nearly any other X-Men. If nothing else, this should prove Marvel doesn’t really have a proper place for the girl formerly known as Jubilation Lee.

    Let’s face it; Jubilee was a staple of X-Men: The Animated Series. When it comes to the source material, though, it’s time to give this mutant her walking papers.

  9. Squirrel Girl

    Sometimes, the desire to write a lighthearted superhero story as opposed to the often heavily dramatic tales in most comics results in great things. Other times, it results in the introduction of characters like Squirrel Girl.

    Making her debut in Marvel Super-Heroes #8 in January 1992, Squirrel Girl is considered by many to be one of the most useless characters in the Marvel Universe. Her primary powers include the ability to communicate with squirrels, razor-sharp claws, and a bushy, 3-foot long semi-prehensile tail that she can use to cover opponents’ eyes or wrap around herself for warmth. What’s even more baffling is that Squirrel Girl has somehow managed to defeat some of the most fearsome villains in the Marvel Universe, including Doctor Doom. Still, that didn’t stop Marvel from relegating her from superhero to the nanny of Luke Cage and Jessica Jones’ baby for a period of time in the pages of New Avengers.

    Squirrel Girl may be something of a cult hit among some readers, but few can dispute how ridiculous a character she is. For the sake of legitimizing the Marvel Universe again, perhaps it’s time for Squirrel Girl to take an indefinite leave of absence.

    What about you? Are there other superheroes you think should be retired? Let us know in the comments section!

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