Who do we want to run the free world? The last few months have been a mess, for Democrats and Republicans alike. No one seems to particularly like the top two candidates, and anyone else just seems to fade into the ether of social consciousness.
Well, not these candidates! These ten men, women (and other) offer some of the greatest resumes for leadership that America can possibly ever see. Kings, lords, and greater are now vying for the crown, I mean the presidency!
If you are wondering about who to vote for this November 8th, look no further. These ten candidates will steal your heart, soul, and anything else you’re not hanging onto too closely.
Let the pitches commence!
Cluny the Scourge
Vice-President: Shadow
A rat? We’re starting off our 3rd-party candidates with a rat? Don’t get me wrong, the pirate and bandit of Brian Jacques’ Redwall is cool and all, but there is a distinct height issue here. Also, it might be illegal to have another species as president.
These concerns are valid, and Cluny the Scourge cares about them. He doesn’t really, but he says he cares. He is a candidate that listens to the people, he hears their pain. And then removes it, stamps it out, crushes anything that stands in the way of true greatness. With his vice-president literally moving in the shadows, Cluny will never let America’s enemies rest. Or America’s allies, or America. He cares too much to let us rest.
Galbatorix
Vice-President: Murtagh
The ruler of Alagaesia has to be taken into consideration. Once a rebel against the establishment, he has proven to be able to enforce his will and vision upon the landscape. The land and people have sometimes literally bent before his power. Something that must be considered when he takes the field as commander-in-chief.
Speaking of his military accomplishments only accentuates his foreign relations experience. Unlike many of these leaders, Galbatorix has had wonderful relationships with those outside his Empire. He has been able to forge alliance with the Urgals, utilizing their strength at needed times. The King has allowed the existence of the independent nation of Surda, even so close to his own borders. And his enemies, though they continue to harass him, can do nothing against his might.
Galbatorix shows the ingenuity of simply slaughtering any who may stand in his way. Americans can appreciate such bold strategy in their leader. Just remember that his rule may very well be eternal.
Septimus
Vice-President: Second-in-commands are for weaklings.
How much does being in charge matter to Septimus, seventh son and one of the antagonists of Neil Gaiman’s Stardust? Well, his track record is impeccable. In hs bid for power as ruler of Stormhold, he exemplified the desire that one looks for in a candidate. Septimus is one of determination, resolve, and a willingness to act immediately. Five of his brothers would be happy to testify to that fact. If they still had a pulse.
Septimus is a man who is willing to go to any lengths to achieve his goals. He will duel with the best, always striving to defeat his opponent. If that does not work, then he will poison, stab and outright murder the competition. The dedication is unquestioned.
The White Witch
Vice-President: Edmund Pevensie
Jadis, the White Witch of Narnia. When it comes to sheer power, this woman has it in spades. She can petrify any defiant subject with little to no effort. The very seasons are held in check by her for a century. An army of the vilest, most ruthless creatures the land has ever known just waits upon her summons. Jadis is power.
Which may be one of the reasons she remains one of the weaker candidates. Working-class Americans see a woman with this much power, it makes them nervous. Sure, she clenched Narnia in a wintry grip for ten decades, but doesn’t that just make her a little too ambitious? Maybe reaching a little too hard for that title? We’ll have to wait and see if the voters are ready for this.
At least she’s the right season for America.
Voldemort
Vice-President: Severus Snape
Let’s Make Wizardry Pure Again! The heir to Salazar Slytherin, this Dark Lord has no qualms about being politically correct. He knows that for too long the establishment has been stuck in a quagmire of namby-pamby niceness to all those “put upon” races. Like House elves or goblins or centaurs ever truly did anything worth mentioning.
Lord Voldemort is a wizard for the true soul of America. Not those who are trying to take it, but those who are trying to take it back! The pure hearted, the real Americans. No one who is foreign, or mixed blood, or anything “other”. Voldemort will help the true Americans rid themselves of these pesky impurities. And anyone else he happens to disagree with.
Tyrannosaurus Rex
Vice-President: Lunch
Americans don’t want just anyone running the greatest country on the planet. We don’t want someone who can just be nice, or a good speaker. We want someone who can be inspiring, awesome. Someone who can look down upon the rest of the world as if they are nothing more than another meal. So how about something born straight out of the Cretaceous period?
Any perceived weaknesses of President Rex are truly strengths. A lack of policy issues is a focused agenda. No communication skills is hogwash, his roar will reverberate throughout the course of history. And the fact that he has eaten the last five vice-presidential candidates tells the electorate that he refuses to be tied down by any puny human, like us.
Mordred
Vice-President: Morgan Le Fay
To be honest, it is unclear whether the son of King Arthur actually wants to be president, or is just holding the spot for his VP pick and mother. A bit of a wild card, he needs some experience before taking over. What is important is the vice-presidential pick, Morgan Le Fay.
Regardless that she easily rules in lieu of her husband, and orchestrated the downfall of Camelot. She understands what Jadis the White Witch did not. Voters just aren’t ready for a woman president. But they are ready for one to give advice to the man in power.
But Mordred has charisma, a pedigree (albeit from the wrong side of the sheets), and a willingness for violence that inspires. Once they take the throne, I mean Oval Office, men everywhere can be assured that Mordred will be taking an active role in governing, and Le Fay will slip back into the shadows.
Palpatine
Vice-President: Darth Vader
What can we say about this great man? Forget make America Great, he made the galactic Republic better, he made it into an Empire. The senate had descended into corruption, something that Palpatine was well aware of as Chancellor. After years of having to listen to those do-nothings at the Senate, he disbanded the whole thing. That is a decisive leader that Americans can get behind.
Not the most photogenic of candidates. And his VP pick of Vader has flip-flopped on certain issues, such as the role of Jedi. His interactions with children aren’t the best, especially his own. But if there is any team that understands the use of Force, it is Palpatine/Vader 2016.
Sauron
Vice-President: Saruman the White
What a leader. He is strong, decisive, and a proven warrior. May not have the best relationship internationally, but his followers have never seemed to care. Besides, his vice presidential candidate, Saruman (who may have a multicultural problem himself. Saruman “the White?”), is reaching out to new lands, and establishing a strong voter base known as the Uruk-Hai. They will literally crush the competition.
Some weaknesses includes the fact that he is a loser. Lost his possessions, the major war, even his body. But, and this is something Americans should be very interested in, has a strong immigration policy. His walls are almost impregnable. If only he could have gotten rid of all of those illegal immigrants…
Satan
Vice-President: Whoever happens to have the best offer, really.
There really is no contest. The maverick, an independent thinker, the Prince of Darkness truly does not hold with the status quo. The original revolutionary, throwing off the chains of oppression for the freedom of choice. It can be said that he was the one who inspired the Founding Fathers, not the other way around. He truly embodies the statement that all are created equal.
His detractors will spin the same old lies and bull. Destroyer of kingdoms, Father of Lies. The Adversary, the embodiment of all evil. They truly do not understand this great leader. A blue-collar Angel, not afraid to say what he means and anything else to get his own way.
We need a leader. Not someone who understands the best way, not someone who will listen to reason. America just needs someone who will tell us everything is great because he wills it. Is there anyone better than Lucifer Morningstar?